It all began when I was ten years old. I walked down a hallway, following the sound
of music and singing, and found myself in a room full of energetic children.
"They are all like me!" I remember thinking to myself. Without knowing it, I had walked
into an open casting call for the musical Annie. They were in the midst of auditioning
for the lead role when I entered the room.
Needless to say, I volunteered to sing next and sang my heart out to a song I had learned only moments before. The next day, I had the role.
Little did I know this was the beginning of the rest of my life. This one event sparked my undeniable adoration for storytelling, and I haven't looked back since.
At school, I worked as hard as I could to be the best that I could be in Drama class. Outside of school, my beautiful parents helped me attain training in both singing and dancing; I also performed in many musicals. I got an agent. I wrote my own scripts. I choreographed dances. I helped form a Glee Club to enable others to freely express themselves creatively. I auditioned for a prestigious spot in a Drama School, and was one of the lucky 'chosen ones'.
In the back of my mind, my goal was always to be a good enough actress to make it in Hollywood. But why? I'm not so sure. I think I just assumed that it would make me happy.
So here I am, having lived in Los Angeles for 2 years and 10 months now, and am I happy? Oh yes. Happier than I've ever been in my entire life. But not for the reasons I had thought.
"What are your greatest achievements in LA so far? What have you done?" people ask me on a daily basis. I give them a quick run-down of the feature films I've acted in, scripts I've written and produced, the guest star role I had on an American TV show. My IMDB credits. My agent's credentials. You get the picture.
My heart, however, says otherwise. I am so grateful to have had all of the opportunities I have here, but as I begin to see that LA is no longer the place for me, I can also see that my finest achievements will never be listed on a resume.
I leave this golden state with a long list of accomplishments. They're certainly not what I had envisioned when I boarded the plane in New Zealand with a one-way ticket though. They're oh so much more.
I jotted down my top 5 proudest achievements the other day as I sat in my bedroom, incense burning, and Zooey the cat purring next to me. They went something like this:
1.) I am finally free from the relentless grip of anorexia. I left LA as soon as the Eating Disorder specialists had given me consent to travel, but I was still very sick - physically, mentally and emotionally. But hey, I'm still here! I managed to keep myself alive alone in a foreign country, despite the constant battle I fought with myself day after day. I am so incredibly far from home, and have been immersed in a town full of others also suffering from eating disorders, but I'm alive and healthier than ever! I am so grateful to now have the energy to swim in the ocean for an hour, and the mental focus to learn pages upon pages of delicious scripts. If I can one day help others defeat this silent killer of an illness then I will be able to die happy.
2.) I managed to find a collection of the most kind, genuine and unconditionally loving people I could ever have hoped for. Friends who drive me to the hospital and stay with me all night (while constantly messaging my Mum in NZ to keep her up to date on my health as I slept.) Friends who cook me (gluten free) meals and insist I come over for dinner because they know I so often forget to eat (and can't cook to save myself!). Friends who love and accept me when I'm heartbroken and can't stop crying, or when I have run out of time to go home before work and need to shower at their house. Friends who won't let me pay for my car's oil change because they can see the scared look on my face; knowing I won't get paid until next week (I have the kindest mechanic in the world). Friends who throw me surprise "We love Rebecca" parties, and who always forgive me for running late.
These people took a leap of faith when they invited me into their worlds, and I hope it has paid off in their eyes. To all of you, I say, thank you. Thank you from the very bottom of my heart and soul. I am truly humbled by your kindness.
3.) I have got myself out of relationships in which I was not cherished. I have always been a painfully empathetic, romantic and super sentimental Rainbow Child, which means I have attracted a great deal of men who are emotionally unavailable or need something from me. I now see my worth with more clarity, and know that I should never accept anything less than what I dreamed of as a little girl. The little girl who grew up feeling invincible and utterly loveable; ever-comforted by the unconditional love she saw in the eyes of her mother and father.
4.) I have been given the title of Godmother to not one but two BEAUTIFUL little babies, who already have me absolutely smitten beyond words. They will forever have me as a confidant no matter where in the world I am. I have never felt more honoured than to be the chosen (Fairy) Godmother of these two incredibly clever and ever-so wise little souls.
5.) I have made brave, bold choices for myself each and every day here. I've stood up for myself, put a stop to various harassment issues, figured out how to drive on the other side of the road, bought my first car, organized events promoting kindness, road-tripped around California, fed and watered myself daily (for the most part!), given to those who can never repay me (one of the most rewarding experiences of my life), discovered a love for crystals, healing and meditation, developed my sassy nature. I've become a free-standing, sometimes quite outspoken woman who does what she wants. I am now whole.
It's taken me a long time to feel this way, but I'm finally proud of who I am. I am proud of the way in which I have fought so hard to become her too. Someone said to me the other day that I have a sharp edge to me now in comparison to when I first stepped off the plane, and I agree! My heart is open and ready to let people in - a dangerous but very rewarding way to be - but I now also stand my ground with unwavering ferocity. ROAR! :)
I don't know where exactly I'm going next, but I don't really mind. My heart is the fullest it's ever been, and I feel younger and lighter than I have in a long time.
If you're still reading this, let my words be a reminder to you to do whatever makes you feel excited to get up in the morning. Don't do something just because it contributes to your career trajectory, or think to yourself "well, I've come this far...may as well keep going."
No! Give yourself permission to go off-roading in this unpredictable terrain called "life". I finally did, and now I'm about to embark on the greatest adventure of my life!
They don't call LA the City of Angels for nothing. I discovered my 'true self' because of the golden light and guidance I received during my time here; bestowed upon me by other humans, the moon and the stars, the ocean, angels, souls and spirits, animals, and of course, my higher self.
All I know for certain right now is that I want to bring hope and happiness to as many people as I can (myself included), and so I'm off to make that happen!
I still adore acting, and I still love Los Angeles, but for now, it's time for me to take a break.
Ta-ta for now, LA - I can't wait to return back to you one day.
Love & gratitude,
McFadz XO