​What would you do if you found out you had only one month left to live? Where would you go, and who would you spend it with?

What would you say if you knew you didn't have much time?

I was confronted by this thought a few months ago and haven't been able to shake it since.  A few of my dearest friends were recently diagnosed with severe illnesses (unrelated and in different countries from one another). They are all undergoing various treatments as I write this. You are all so very brave, and I think of you often.

This news, along with the many personal tragedies I've been through myself recently forced me to question the relationship I had with my own existence. I also finally became aware of what I had unconsciously placed in the driver's seat of my life, and I didn't like what I saw.

I've always been one to plan things in advance and really 'reach for the stars'.  I wanted to set myself up for future success, which I hoped would ultimately lead to finding true happiness. I've done a lot of things over the years that I really didn't like or feel were right for me, because I assumed that one day, they'd add up and lead to something good.

You see, I have lived a great deal of my life in 'preparation mode'. Always in a state of getting ready for something better - for when I got my big break, or met the love of my life, or became richer and more organized, or prettier and more glamourous. The list goes on.  What can I say, I'm an ambitious woman!

I hadn't ever really spent time contemplating death, until I moved to Los Angeles.  I mean, I was only 23 years of age after all! However over time, living alone on the other side of the world from my family made me become acutely aware that years were passing me by like clouds in the sky on a windy day.

As I got ready for bed one night earlier this year, I was struck by the thought that if I died in my sleep that night, I would be filled with sadness for the things I hadn't done, having always put them in the "one day, once I've achieved this, this and this" basket.  I realised that the face I saw in the mirror was getting older, and I just wasn't truly happy.

I made the conscious decision right then and there to finally start truly living, and to allow my life to be led by my heart rather than my head. I wanted to put myself first, and make decisions based on what would be best for my holistic wellbeing.  I was ready to start my "real life", and live each day as if it was my last. Not in a morbid way, just in a way in which allowed me to go to bed each night knowing I'd been true to myself, and knowing that I'd interacted with the world around me in an honest and open-hearted way.

If I felt love or gratitude towards someone, I told them. If someone treated me with disrespect, I stood up for myself - FINALLY! If I yearned to see someone, I called them. If I felt absolutely exhausted, I cancelled all of my plans and hopped into bed. Unapologetic, and 100% me.

I began to really start ticking things off my "life list" too (I use this term instead of "Bucket List"). I organized a 'Kindness Walk' with the help of my amazing friends, I woke up to watch more sunrises, I set a standard for how I was willing to be treated and spoken to by others. I really started making the things that mattered to me most - at my very core - become my reality, and the light in my eyes began to shine brighter than ever before.

I worked less, and I lived more. I said yes to the spontaneous walks on the beach. I said no to the auditions that made me cringe (even though they were often well paid.) I swam in the ocean on a whim (often with all of my clothes on!). I kissed my friends all over their faces with unbridled appreciation, and I gave myself the night off if my body asked me to do so.  I smiled more at strangers, and spent less time looking down at my phone.

Now I'm not saying that I became super reckless, went out and spent every dollar I had, all because I might die tomorrow. No way! I just began to loosen the grip I had on achieving specific outcomes, and lessen my attachment to material possessions. I slowed down a little, and breathed more. I gave away things that no longer served a purpose in my life. I stopped pursuing the people and opportunities that didn't honour me for all that I am.

I celebrated many milestones as an actress in Los Angeles, and in New Zealand before that, and I am very grateful for each experience that I've had.  These gifts flowed into my world with ease, but for some reason I felt compelled to hold on as tightly as I could to the concept of working as hard as humanly possible in order to attain more.  I was hoping it would one day lead to the perfect acting career, and in many ways, it did!  

I now see that if I'd trusted myself a little more, I could have appreciated all of the other messages I was being sent along the way - in the form of people, places, trees, flowers and the songs that that were carried to me in the breeze.

I asked myself what I would do if I no longer needed to worry about 'getting ahead' in the acting game (a crazy concept for me).  My heart answered confidently: "Return back to New Zealand with your new-found sense of self".  This answer surprised me, but I knew better than to ignore it.  It resonated deep within my heart and soul.  I took heed and began making plans to move - and now, a few months later, here I am!  I have returned home to the place where I first developed my love of the ocean and the moon, and where I learned the healing power of walking barefoot through the grass.

No plans are set in stone for my future, and for the first time that I can remember, I feel free to be me!  To cut my hair the way I want it, to travel to new places just because I want to, and most importantly, to invest time and energy back into myself.  I want to become my own best friend again - but first, I have some serious apologising to do for not giving myself the love and kindness I deserve!  Once I take the time to nurture and nourish myself properly, I know I will then be able to give even more to those around me.  I'm really excited about that part.

I have just begun my 27th year of life here on earth, and I am ready to stop and smell all the roses - and then see where the wind takes me next.

If you're reading this and a tiny part of you feels that perhaps there isn't enough joy in your day to day existence, or if you're working around the clock and sacrificing a whole lot in order to go on that once a year holiday, then maybe this message is for you. To remind you that you that all we really have is today, and that you're allowed to put yourself first. Not next year, once you've slimmed down a bit. Not in a few years, once you've received  that big promotion. No.  Right now.  

Make a small change today, and see how it ripples out into other areas of your life - and into the lives of those around you.

This isn't a dress rehearsal, my friend, this is it.  Today is your day to make up for lost time,  to truly get to know yourself and to become your own best friend.

Today is your day to live.

It all began when I was ten years old. I walked down a hallway, following the sound
of music and singing, and found myself in a room full of energetic children.  
"They are all like me!" I remember thinking to myself.  Without knowing it, I had walked
into an open casting call for the musical Annie. They were in the midst of auditioning
for the lead role when I entered the room.

Needless to say, I volunteered to sing next and sang my heart out to a song I had learned only moments before.  The next day, I had the role.

Little did I know this was the beginning of the rest of my life. This one event sparked my undeniable adoration for storytelling, and I haven't looked back since.

​I leave this golden state with a long list of accomplishments. They're certainly not what I had envisioned when I boarded the plane in New Zealand with a one-way ticket though. They're oh so much more.

I jotted down my top 5 proudest achievements the other day as I sat in my bedroom, incense burning, and Zooey the cat purring next to me. They went something like this:

1.) I am finally free from the relentless grip of anorexia. I left LA as soon as the Eating Disorder specialists had given me consent to travel, but I was still very sick - physically,  mentally and emotionally. But hey, I'm still here! I managed to keep myself alive alone in a foreign country, despite the constant battle I fought with myself day after day. I am so incredibly far from home, and have been immersed in a town full of others also suffering from eating disorders, but I'm alive and healthier than ever! I am so grateful to now have the energy to swim in the ocean for an hour, and the mental focus to learn pages upon pages of delicious scripts.  If I can one day help others defeat this silent killer of an illness then I will be able to die happy. 

2.) I managed to find a collection of the most kind, genuine and unconditionally loving people I could ever have hoped for. Friends who drive me to the hospital and stay with me all night (while constantly messaging my Mum in NZ to keep her up to date on my health as I slept.) Friends who cook me (gluten free) meals and insist I come over for dinner because they know I so often forget to eat (and can't cook to save myself!). Friends who love and accept me when I'm heartbroken and can't stop crying, or when I have run out of time to go home before work and need to shower at their house. Friends who won't let me pay for my car's oil change because they can see the scared look on my face; knowing I won't get paid until next week (I have the kindest mechanic in the world).  Friends who throw me surprise "We love Rebecca" parties, and who always forgive me for running late.

These people took a leap of faith when they invited me into their worlds, and I hope it has paid off in their eyes. To all of you, I say, thank you. Thank you from the very bottom of my heart and soul. I am truly humbled by your kindness.
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3.) I have got myself out of relationships in which I was not cherished.  I have always been a painfully empathetic, romantic and super sentimental Rainbow Child, which means I have attracted a great deal of men who are emotionally unavailable or need something from me. I now see my worth with more clarity, and know that I should never accept anything less than what I dreamed of as a little girl.  The little girl who grew up feeling invincible and utterly loveable; ever-comforted by the unconditional love she saw in the eyes of her mother and father.

4.) I have been given the title of Godmother to not one but two BEAUTIFUL little babies, who already have me absolutely smitten beyond words.  They will forever have me as a confidant no matter where in the world I am.  I have never felt more honoured than to be the chosen (Fairy) Godmother of these two incredibly clever and ever-so wise little souls.

5.) I have made brave, bold choices for myself each and every day here. I've stood up for myself, put a stop to various harassment issues, figured out how to drive on the other side of the road, bought my first car, organized events promoting kindness, road-tripped around California, fed and watered myself daily (for the most part!), given to those who can never repay me (one of the most rewarding experiences of my life), discovered a love for crystals, healing and meditation, developed my sassy nature. I've become a free-standing, sometimes quite outspoken woman who does what she wants. I am now whole.

It's taken me a long time to feel this way, but I'm finally proud of who I am. I am proud of the way in which I have fought so hard to become her too. Someone said to me the other day that I have a sharp edge to me now in comparison to when I first stepped off the plane, and I agree! My heart is open and ready to let people in - a dangerous but very rewarding way to be - but I now also stand my ground with unwavering ferocity. ROAR! :)

I don't know where exactly I'm going next, but I don't really mind. My heart is the fullest it's ever been, and I feel younger and lighter than I have in a long time.